Because You Loved Me
Week Two:
Today was the first time I stepped outside in six days, partially because of the heat wave and partially because the thought of leaving terrifies me. It has been just about two weeks since I dropped my life in the city, packed up all the comfy clothes I own, and “moved in” with my grandparents in Delaware after learning of the new hospice referral for my grandmother. In this time, I have pretty much been glued to my Nanny’s side, tending to her every need and probably bugging the crap out of her in the process.
For two weeks, I have gotten a glimpse into the life of a caregiver. I deal with caregivers everyday at work, but to actually become one (even for a short period of time) has opened my eyes to lives of the patients and families I work with on a daily basis.
Being a caregiver is not as easy as it seems. I will be the first to admit I was judgmental of all of the families who came to the hospital and complained about being a caregiver. In fact, I think so many of us in the medical field are; we become frustrated when families are unwilling to tend to their sick loved ones and judge them and hold grudges against them when they complain.
As difficult and draining as it is, I love being here with Nanny and Poppy; I love getting to spend this time with them and helping them however I can. While I have willingly and graciously accepted this role as a caregiver, I now understand the struggles and stressors that go into being a caregiver. My thighs are covered in bruises from bumping against the hospital bed and my finger is covered in cuts from the pill crusher. My back is sore from sleeping in a chair every night and my eyes are dried out from the endless hours of watching TV. I haven’t slept through the night in nearly two weeks and lost 10 pounds from the stress alone. Did I remember her meds? Is she comfortable? Am I doing enough? These are the real struggles of caregivers that often go unseen.
Despite my newly acquired stress, I would not hesitate to take on this role again. Being back in this house where I spent so many days as a child makes me even more grateful for this time with my Nanny. Remembering all of the days we ate junk food for breakfast (and lunch and dinner) and spent hours doing arts and crafts. Going to Delaware Park to watch the horse races (sorry to spoil the secret) or going for walks at Carousel. Or the way Nanny would blare Celine Dion every time we would drive up to the house as teenagers or our little shopping sprees at Dollar Tree.
These are memories I will never forget and will cherish for the rest of my life just as I will cherish the new memories we continue to make each day. Regardless of the circumstances, I am lucky to be here during this time to create new memories that I will carry with me always. Wearing matching sweatpants with Nan and our matching red nailpolish, dancing to Celine Dion and watching every Elvis movie, eating olives off our fingers, doing simple crafts, and holding hands as she sleeps soundly in bed. These are the memories I will take with me going forward; these are the memories that make all the bad ones and the sad ones worth it.
As I get ready to head back to the city for my last two days of work before my official leave begins, I am filled with so much anxiety for the days to come. The thought of leaving during this time makes my stomach churn, but I have faith that she will be in good hands during my absence. I also know that being a good caregiver means taking care of yourself so that you can take care of someone else: doing what needs to be done and taking some time for yourself. As nervous as I am to leave, I am ready to unwind and relax in my own bed, wear real clothes, and get in some “me” time.
Regardless of what the future holds, words cannot express how grateful I am to have such an incredible grandmother in my life who has taught me so much about life and given me so much. So to the woman who continues to inspire me every day and gave me my love of Celine Dion: “I’m everything I am, because you loved me.”
