Finding Angie: Breaking free from “Ed”

***trigger warning

One week before I started eating disorder treatment, I sat down and started another blog post. I got through roughly two short paragraphs before shutting my laptop and abandoning the idea. Today, just about four weeks later, I came across my previously initiated blog post. This is what it said:

“A burger. That is what I want most right now. A burger with American cheese and a side of fries. I can’t remember the last time I ate a burger. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I ate a lot of things. It seems silly to miss something so simple as a burger. That is the reality of an eating disorder.

The truth is, I suffer from an eating disorder. There is no way to sugar coat it or easy way to say it. And at roughly 100 lbs, there is no longer a way to hide it either. This is the real and scary truth. I have an eating disorder. It took me a long, LONG time to come to terms with my disorder, to recognize it and own it and accept it for what it is…but here I am.”

Today marks my 23rd day of recovery; it has been 23 long days since I finally surrendered control and acknowledged the elephant in the room: my eating disorder. My eating disorder, also known as “Ed,” has been such an important part of my life for too long. “He” manipulated me into believing I was someone I was not and made me feel unworthy and unloved. When Ed was in control, nothing else mattered; he was all that I could and did think about.

Looking back on those words I wrote four weeks ago, I am filled with so much sadness for the person I was. Those are the words of someone who was lost and unhappy and physically malnourished; someone who was unable to see the world clearly and did not love herself. Four weeks ago, I did not know who I was; my eating disorder controlled every aspect of my life and took away the parts of me that make me me. My body, my brain, every single part of my being was manipulated by a false ideal of perfection and control. I lost touch with reality.

23 days later and I am still faced with many urges and struggles with my relationship with Ed. These struggles will likely be my struggles for the rest of my life. With the help of some nourishment and trained professionals, I now know that I don’t have to give into these urges. Although still a part of me, Ed is no longer in control of my mind; he has been pushed far in the back where he cannot confuse me and manipulate me anymore. Slowly, I am gaining back what I lost to my relationship with Ed: the weight, the connections, the thoughts. Food is no longer scary to me, and the mirror is no longer the enemy.

My eating disorder took me to the verge of breaking, both emotionally and physically. For 23 days, I have challenged myself in every possible way to find myself again. As I sit here re-reading the words I wrote four weeks ago, I am no longer filled with shame and guilt and sadness. While I know there is still a long road ahead of me to recovery, I am proud of where I am right now. For the first time in so long, I am starting to love myself again and accept myself for who I am.

For me, this recovery process has been so much more than weight restoration and food exposure. Over a short 23 days, I have been learning to rewrite my narrative. I am no longer confined to the struggles of my past nor does my value rely on the number on the scale. I can acknowledge that my feelings are valid, and I am worthy of love. I am not my eating disorder. Although my journey with Ed is far from over, I am enjoying getting to know myself as Angie once again; I am learning to lean into the experience fully and rediscover who I am outside of my eating disorder.

P.S. I finally got my burger, and damn, it was worth it. Sorry not sorry, Ed.