So maybe I’m not ok…now what?
This is quite possibly my most vulnerable post I’ve written to date. For months, I have been avoiding the topic and deflecting questions and ignoring the common “are you ok?”. Working as a social worker in a hospital surrounded by nurses and doctors and clinically trained social workers, these questions have been abundant. Yes: it was the automatic response that left my mouth before I even had time to process the question. I’d brush it off, often with a smile, and move on with my day.
The truth is, I’m not ok, and I haven’t been in quite a while. Behind the smile and posed Instagram pics, I have been fading away, both mentally and physically. Many of you have noticed, probably most. Most of you saw the struggle and identified the problem long before I did, me blinded by my illogical thoughts and the distorted view I held of myself. I could go into detail about the internal battles I’ve been facing or about the self-destructive path I’ve been on. I could share my most vulnerable moments of weakness or explore the darkness of my mind. I could. But I won’t. At least not today anyways.
For the past 27 years, I have had my fair share of struggles, many of which I have written about in the past. From the day my mother passed when I was 1-year-old to the current moment of me sitting alone in my studio apartment writing this, my life (or at least my perception of life) has been anything but easy. It has been the same old story over and over and over again, me falling into a cycle of self-neglect and self-destruction. In the past, I would dwell on these issues and keep them hidden from the word. To no surprise, these issues remained my issues. My problems remained my problems.
It has taken me just about 27 years to realize that this isn’t working, not for me or for anyone in my life. Whether it be divine intervention or the reality check from a few very persuasive people, I am here to say to the world, I AM NOT OK. I have identified it and accepted it and owned it as my own, but naming the problem is only the first step…so now what?
Identifying the problem was just the beginning of what I’m sure will be a very challenging journey ahead of me. But identifying the problem is not enough; the struggle lies in taking the next step to make a change, but luckily, I am no longer alone. As I begin to process my new reality, I am slowly beginning to open up. I have sent out my SOS and accepted that I cannot do this alone. Finally, my guarded walls are beginning to crumble, allowing room for other people to come in.
Ever since I first named the problem and acknowledged the need for help, the darkness began to fade. The weight I have been carrying for too long began to shed, leaving my heart open to the possibility of hope. Hope: a word that has been foreign to me for too long. With hope comes the possibility of a new future and a new story. I no longer feel confined to the path of my past and am open to the road ahead. Yes, there will be detours and road bumps along the way. Yes, I may crash once or twice or feel stuck like the traffic on the FDR during rush hour. Yet despite the uncertainties of what lies ahead, I am taking back control of the wheel and steering myself in a new direction. (Had enough of the car metaphor yet?)
As I make this next turn, it’s inevitability going to be a long ride (ok, now I’m done). Can I say I’m not scared? I’m terrified. Can I say I’m certain? No. Can I say I’m prepared? Hell no. I may fight this and challenge this and revert back to my old ways. But now, I have people sitting next to me, guiding me down the right path and ready to take the wheel when I fall (last one, I swear).
It has taken a lot of time and a lot of courage to acknowledge that maybe I’m not ok. It’s taken even longer to ask for help. For anyone on their own journey, regardless of where you are or where you’re going, you are not alone. We are in this together, taking it step by step, one day at a time. With a little time and love and hard work, we can make it to the new beginning that’s just over the hill ahead (for real this time).
Some final thoughts:
Be patient: self-love and acceptance is a process and does not happen over night
Be kind: be kind to yourself and to everyone around you; struggle is universal
Be gentle: everyone is facing their own battles; be gentle and respect the courage it took to get this far
Be there: stand by the ones you love and show you care, even when they make you want to walk away
Be you: stay true to who you are and never let anyone make you feel lesser; accept the good and the bad as a part of who you are
Be open: help is only a call (or text or email or snail mail) away; allow your heart to be open to change and growth
And in the end, it’s ok not to be ok.
*Dedicated to M.R.: for always calling me out on my shit and opening my eyes to a better way of life, thank you.
