The Crap
Week Four (More like Five):
The last text I sent to my dad was about chicken. Let me clarify, the last text I sent to my dad before he died was about chicken. I asked him how many packs of chicken he wanted me to pull out for dinner. He said “two”. That was the last text I ever received from him.
I have now been back in Delaware with Nan and Pop for four-ish weeks. At this point, I’ve really lost track. Anyway, for four-ish weeks, I have spent my days in the same routine, day in and day out. Get up, fold up the rolling bed (Pro: finally got a bed. Con: got my finger stuck in said bed this morning), 7AM morning meds, 7:30AM-9:30AM my naptime, shower (if I’m lucky), then back downstairs to take over for the day and night.
Most of my days are spent sitting on the floor (or the occasional time spent in the very uncomfortable geri chair) watching the news or talk shows or whatever Poppy feels like watching for the day. Surprisingly, I’ve actually grown quite fond of the History Channel. American Pickers is some quality TV. And Naked and Afraid on Discovery. I’m hooked. But now I’m rambling.
Like I said, most of my days are spent watching TV at the foot of Nanny’s hospital bed, jumping up every so often to give her meds or a snack or check her oxygen. Occasionally getting Poppy some cheetohs or green tea if he is feeling too lazy which he pretty much always is.
When you get in a routine like this, you have a lot of free time. A LOT. I try to fill up as much as I can with some reading to distract my brain. (Thank you all for the many, many recommendations.) Or I sit down with my laptop and take to writing. Hence, this post. Amidst all of this free time, you also get a lot of time to think.
Over the past few weeks, I have been flooded (quite unexpectedly) with so many memories and emotions of the past. With such little distraction each day, I am left to sit with nothing but my own thoughts and remember things that have been forgotten for many years. Like the chicken. The memory came to me last night while I lay awake staring at the ceiling, listening to my grandmother breathe next to me. Chicken. I can’t believe my last text to my dad ever was about chicken. If only I knew then what I know now.
When you are plagued with facing your fears and death each day as you are when you have a loved one on hospice, you are constantly reminded of the unfair and often cruel nature of this world. How is it fair that my amazing Nanny is now fighting for her life at only 75? How is it fair that I lost both of my parents by the age of 18? How is any of this fair? The answer is: it’s not.
I have been surrounded by so much love in my life over the past 26 years. But I have also been surrounded by pain and loss and sadness for many of those years. After losing my mom to cancer at not even two years old, my life seems to be filled with one battle after another — constantly trying to stay afloat when everything is pushing me under. Some battles I win, others I don’t. And that’s ok. You learn just as much, if not more, from your struggles and failures as your successes.
As I sit here lost in my thoughts, staring at my beautiful grandmother “Nanny” and my goofy (and always sleeping) grandfather “Poppy”, I am reminded of the influence they have had on my life. Through all of the tough and gloomy times, they have always stood by me, never wavering in their love or kindness. Amongst a life that often felt plagued with so much darkness, they were and are my light. They are my rocks.
It’s easy to get caught up in life and get distracted by the little things; your vision gets cloudy and you lose sight of what really matters. If I have learned anything over the past few weeks it is that this right here, these moments, these memories, this is what matters. Everything else is just crap and fuel for a really good book I’m going to write one day. Or maybe a Lifetime movie. Oooh maybe Meryl Streep can be in it. Or Sandra Bullock. The details haven’t been hashed out quite yet.
This time with my grandparents, however sad and challenging, is the true testament to the impact they have had on my life over the past 26 years. After guiding me and supporting me for all of my life, it is my duty, no…my honor, to be here with them, to guide them and support them in return.
And in the ever so wise words of one of TV’s hunkiest docs Alex Karev:
“Maybe that’s the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.”
Here’s to making it through the crap.
