The Waiting Game: a reflection on the mental health system
I checked my email 68 times today. 68. Every chance I get, I open my phone with hopes of seeing a notification of a new email. I am stuck in a waiting game with my email. But it isn’t just any email I am waiting for; it is a very specific email that will ultimately determine the course of my near future. I am waiting for the“approval” to obtain help.
After months of deliberation, I have decided to take the next step and seek treatment for an eating disorder (I’ll save that blog for a different day). What I believed would be an easy process to initiate has become one of the most frustrating and exhausting processes of my life. For the past month, I have spent my days checking my email incessantly out of desperation. Minute after minute, I stare at the email icon hoping for that red “1” to appear. This one email is all that stands between me and the beginning of my treatment; one email to confirm that I am “allowed” to get help.
As I prepare myself for the long road of recovery ahead of me, I cannot help but address our current mental health system. Mental health is very real folks, but let me be the first to say, our system SUCKS. As a social worker, I am in a unique position; I am now experiencing the other side of the system and feeling the frustrations of so many of our patients. I am in their shoes for the first time. I now understand the limitations of insurance and policies on a personal level and have gained insight into our current systems that are designed to essentially make us fail.
For weeks, I have struggled to obtain the treatment I needed due to the lack of proper resources and insurance coverage. In fact, I am STILL waiting. The recommended treatment course is not covered by insurance and an out of pocket cost is roughly $30–40,000 (definitely not in a social work budget). Insurance will cover the alternative (a lower level and not recommended) treatment option but only on a single case agreement. Then comes the process of obtaining insurance authorization and negotiating rates and essentially selling your soul to get the help you need. It is exhausting.
Our current systems are severely lacking and do not acknowledge the growing rate of individuals suffering from mental illness. More and more of the population is reaching out and seeking help but help is often not there. It has been exactly one month to the day since I mustered up the courage to make the call, one month since I asked for help. And one month later, I am still waiting. I am one of the lucky ones. I have a supportive group of family and friends who have been accompanying me along the way while I wait, but so many others are not so lucky.
Despite the outpouring of support I receive on a daily basis, this past month has been one of the most challenging and emotionally draining periods of my life. Each day is spent waiting and hoping that help is on its way, and as each day passes, I continue to decline, lost in the overwhelming feelings of anxiety. The uncertainty leaves you paralyzed and consumes your every thought. For some people, this waiting period is a matter of life and death; for some people, one month is just too long.
The current mental health system and insurance providers are failing so many of us and are deterring many suffering from mental illness from seeking help. For those who do seek help like myself, help is not always there. Sadly, our well-being and mental health are treated like just another insurance case; our individual selves and needs are placed in a queue behind others waiting for their own emails. I used to believe that coming forward was the hardest part of the process, but in reality, the waiting and lack of control is so much worse.
Right now, my fate lies in the hands of my insurance company and one email, a terrifying and rather alarming thought. They, the men and women sitting at their desks in their corporate offices, hold the power and control if and when I get treatment. For now, I will continue to play in their waiting game, but I am creating my own rules. I have done my part and asked for help; it’s time for them to step up and do theirs.
